Fall
by Emely
Summary: Carter and Abby angst. Set after Kisangani.


**Carter and Abby don't belong to me. If they did, I seriously doubt I'd be here writing fan-fiction. **

**This is set the morning after ****Kisangani****, and has no spoilers for season ten.**

**Fall**

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***~*~***

He's wrapping his arms around me and I don't have the power to resist.   
  
I long to melt into his arms and let him hold me as I cry. Cry for us, cry for what we could have had.   
  
But it never works that way.   
  
So I just let him hold me.   
  
When did it get like this?   
  
I couldn't exactly pinpoint the moment everything changed. Was it when he almost proposed? When he lost his grandmother? After the funeral? When he left for Africa? 

When did we start to fall, Carter?  
  
It hurt so much more than I thought it would, this moment.  
  
I never meant to love him so much. I always knew we were a possibility, but I never meant to fall for him this hard. The moment he kissed me, the moment he told me things would be okay, I knew that he was it. There was no question; he was the man I was destined to spend the rest of my life with.  
  
I want to believe in destiny.  
  
I don't know how long he had been sitting at my bedside, watching me as I slept.   
  
When I saw him, the morning sunlight was pouring through the windows, and the tears on his cheeks were glistening.   
  
I knew what was happening.   
  
"I'm sorry."   
  
He didn't.   
  
His words hang in the air, and I pull away, watching him. I shiver.   
  
I can't do this. I can't be with him.   
  
I'll break his heart.  
  
Better do it now. This way it won't hurt as much.   
  
I'm doing this to protect him. He's seen the bad part now, but he's still blind, still hoping. He's hoping we'll be okay. He's seen the bad part, but it's not the worst. I can't let it get to that. I have to do it before it's too late. Before I hurt him more than I already have.  
  
He opens his mouth to speak. I rest my index finger on his lips. "No." I whisper. I don't want his apology.   
  
"No?"   
  
"Listen..." I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't want to do this. But I have to.   
  
"Abby -"   
  
"Shh," I silence him once again.   
  
I still don't know what I'm going to say.   
  
Tell him I love him? I wish. I love him, I do. But I can't do this. Not to him.  
  
I open my mouth to speak, but I can't find the words. I can't make up an excuse.   
  
"You should go."   
  
It's all I can say.   
  
The words hit him like a slap in the face. He just blinks.   
  
"I need you to go."   
  
"Abby..." There's something about the way he says my name. It sends shivers down my spine. I shut my eyes. Maybe when I open them, he'll be gone. Maybe he'll make this easy on me. Easy? Yeah right, none of this is easy. When I open my eyes he's still there.   
  
Why are you still here? Run away, Carter. The door's wide open. I won't blame you.  
  
"John, I -" this time it's him that silences me.   
  
"Don't. Don't push me away."  
  
"I'm not pushing you. You left, remember?" maybe if I piss him off he'll leave.   
  
He thinks about this for a while. "I'm talking about right now." Choosing to avoid the Africa subject? Alright. I can work with that. He's trying to look me in the eye. I fix my eyes on my hands that are playing with the comforter. I stop and rest them in my lap. I examine my nails. They're not very interesting.  
  
I feel his hand on my chin, and he lifts my head up so that I'm looking him in the eye. I choke back the lump in my throat. "Abby," he whispers, "I'm sorry..." please don't, Carter. Please, please, please don't do this to me. It's too hard already. "I love you..." His face is so close that I can feel his breath on my face. I close my eyes. "No matter what..." He's leaning his forehead against mine. "I'll always love you..." Oh god. His hand is making his way up to my cheek.   
  
If I open my eyes, he'll see the tears. So I pull away and fix my gaze on the alarm clock. 7:00 AM. I bite my lip. His hand is back on my cheek, making me face him again. I shake my head. "Please. Go." I'm crying now. The tears are rolling down my cheeks. I don't care if he sees. "Just... just go." He's brushing away my tears. And I love the feel of his skin against mine. Will this be the last time?   
  
It has to.   
  
"Promise me something, Abby."   
  
It depends.   
  
"Promise me that you don't love me, that you're doing this because there's no chance for us." He already knows the answer, he always has.   
  
"Go." my voice comes out shaky. I'm hurting him, I know I am. I'm hurting myself too.   
  
But it's better this way.  
  
He pulls me in his arms again and I rest my cheek against his shoulder, the tears wetting the soft fabric.   
  
I don't know how long we stayed like that, but I finally pull away. I have to be strong.   
  
His hand finds mine and he squeezes it tightly. I'm so close to giving in. I want to. I need to. But I can't.   
  
It's better this way.  
  
He catches my eye one more time. "Goodbye, Abby."   
  
And he walks out the door.

***~*~***

**You've come this far, leave me a review, please? This is my first Carby fic, and I'd love to know what people think. Constructive criticism would be good.  **


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